<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Folktales 'bout Folks by demonfox38</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23332576">Folktales 'bout Folks</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonfox38/pseuds/demonfox38'>demonfox38</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>DLC from DF38 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Left 4 Dead (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2015-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2015-04-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 06:22:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>908</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23332576</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonfox38/pseuds/demonfox38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of Keith short stories from Ellis. (Arguably, if you had to listen to them, they may not seem so short...) Based on a series of prompts received in April 2015.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>DLC from DF38 [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1677937</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Folktales 'bout Folks</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>These prompts were gathered from Faeriebutch, Markingatlightspeed, and three anonymous users on April 13th, 2015 at Tumblr.com. The overall challenge was to write stories as Ellis would tell them based on the user's selected topic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Chainsaws</strong>
</p><p>Did I ever tell y’all ‘bout the time Keith decided to strap a chainsaw to his hand? Like, obviously, he got the idea after binge-watching <em>Evil Dead</em> films, and since we were seein’ all of this footage ‘a Green Flu passin’ through the North, he was all ready to go one-hundred percent Bruce Campbell on some zombie asses. Wasn’t the worst idea, ‘course, ‘cause he pretty much lost most of his right hand in that gasoline firework accident that I told y’all ‘bout—ya know, the one with third degree burns over ninety percent of his body—so his daddy’s chainsaw just snapped right on in there. Turns out that chainsaws run out of gas pretty quickly, so we had to swing by the 7-11 to get some more gas and some slushies because fightin’ zombies turns out to be pretty tough work, actually! Anyway, he saw Brandine from high school get torn out the back out of the store, so he went to save her, but I’m pretty sure by the way he came running back out—</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>Bowling</strong>
</p><p>So, this one time, my buddy Keith wanted nachos. Now, what you’ve gotta know is that Barney’s Bowl-O-Rama has <em>the</em> best nachos in town. Ya’d think it would be a Mexican joint, but nah. Not enough cheese, man! Anyway, we go out to Barney’s and we figure, what the hell? Let’s play a few frames! So, we rent these godawful shoes so rank that I swear to the baby Jesus, mushrooms were growin’ in them. We go to throw our first balls, right? And I get a strike, ‘cause I’ve got natural bajillion to twenty eyesight. So does Keith. As he goes to get his ball, this head pops out! Honest to God, a human head! ‘Course, we try to return it to Barney’s counter ‘cause what the hell we gonna do with a human head? And it turns out that this head belongs to his stepdad Frank, who went missin’ three days earlier. Explains why it was so mushy. Anyway, from what the cops said, it looked like his neck had been cut by—</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>Business</strong>
</p><p>You know that sayin’ “Build a better mousetrap, and the world will beat a path to your door?” My buddy Keith took that a little too literally. So, ya know the basic principles of a mouse trap involves that snappy part that always pinches your fingers and makes ya swear for like half an hour straight? Obviously, ya gotta get rid of that, but when you do that, what the hell else do ya use to kill the mouse? Well, Keith decided to use one of them compressed air canisters ya use to clean out little dusty bits. Like, ya know how they used to be good for huffin’ ‘til they put chemicals in it to make it bitter? Now all I’ve got is scented markers. Gonna fetch a good price in the post-apocalyptic black market, I tell you what. Anyway, Keith decides to use one of them air canisters ta poison the mice, then use one ‘a them BIC lighters to burn the body so you don’t get that rottin’ smell. ‘Course, the man never learns anythin’ ‘bout fire, so seventy-two individual burns later—</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>Peeps</strong>
</p><p>So, have any of you guys tried to make s’mores in the microwave? Keith and I tried once, but we didn’t have no good marshmallows on hand. Like, we tried those ones in the little Swiss Miss packages, but they didn’t do shit. Outta nowhere, Keith pulls out these Peeps, right? And they gotta be at least five years old. Hard as a rock. He thought the microwave would soften them up a bit, so he loads up the microwave with six of the little dudes all smooshed down between chocolate bars and crackers. Actually, them fiber things my grandma always took. Same difference, right?</p><p>Turns out that microwave Peeps are stronger than you might think. I ain’t sayin’ that it looked like the ending to <em>Ghostbusters</em> in Keith’s kitchen, but—</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strong>Mobile Phone</strong>
</p><p>Hello? Hello, Ellis, are you there? Guess not, since I got your voicemail and all.</p><p>Ah, shit. Listen, bro. I’m probably out in Kansas? Utah? Some shit like that. Brandine’s still with me. Also got Linda and Lisa now. Cute gals, dude. You’d have your pick of the litter here!<br/>
Long story short, just got cell service. I heard o’er the radio that some assholes got picked up in New Orleans. Hope that was you, man.  They’ll probably have to scrub your butt with, like, a billion gallons of rubbin’ alcohol to get all those zombie guts off ya. You’ll stink for days, no doubt. But, I’d still like to see ya again. Even if you turned into one of them nasty big zombies. Don’t think you’d mind much if I put ya out of your misery. Though, you’d be a right good jockey, ya little dink!</p><p>We’re holdin’ up for the night in this old pizza joint. Weird lookin’ place. Something like Fonzie Fartbot’s Pizzarama? Shit if I know. The sign was busted to heck. Smells like the last time I ended up in the hospital in here. Snot and blood everywhere. Shit. And these creepy fuckin’ robot things! Gonna just push them outside and let them scare the zombies off. Shiiit.</p><p>Anyway, call me if you get this message. I really miss ya, buddy.</p><p>Shit, I think this bear thing mo—</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>